WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
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IT’S-A ME,
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.