“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
You can’t rush stupid.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.