4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
This could be us but you eatin’
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Just me?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
wtf management?!
…u ok Nintendo?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.