My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Jesus Christ lmao
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.