If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The legends speak of a third Duran…
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..