Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.