Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me, in DM rooms…
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.