impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
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what?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.