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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
me adding lol on a serious message
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again