You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Does your wife know you’re single?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Best mom ever 😂
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[montage of me giving-up]
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Thoughts
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story