the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
That’s no pocket rocket.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary