piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.