Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.