we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.