I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
How animals would run if they were human
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
shut up and take my money
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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