I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
multitasking lunch
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter