My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.