My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
good morning
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”