*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Cool shirt 🙂
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.