Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.