Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
That’s enough internet for the day
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens