The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]