He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy