“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
You Might Also Like
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.