FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper