Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife