When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?