My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
That earthquake could have been an email.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes