Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.