Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
You Might Also Like
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO