I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I just tested negative for patience.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts