[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day đź‘Ť
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
What flavor cupcake are these
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”