I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.