It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
The Onion called it…again.