[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*