i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason