[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Cake!!
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.