Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either