Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.