Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
seems fine
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.