Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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“No way.” -Jose
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Canada has crack?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
wut hotdog?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
hackers play passwordle
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*