Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats