Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.