Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?