Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
This was my dad’s browser history.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.