Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“and how does that make you feel?”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*