“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
You Might Also Like
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Lmao
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious