You Might Also Like
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.