You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost