Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”